i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
