My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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