I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
