Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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