Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
