If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
