how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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