We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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