I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
