If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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