3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
