You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
