I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
