I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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