She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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