literally had 100 drinks last night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
