I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
