There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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