I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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