hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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