I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
