You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
