I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
