I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
