Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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