i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
