I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
