Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
