onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
