I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
