all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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