hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
