Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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