I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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