Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
