My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
