I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
