We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
