these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
