I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
