you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
