So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
