I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
