I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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