Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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