Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
we should paint friendship bongs
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
