Michael Bay diarrhea
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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