so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
