I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
