I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
